You know, for those eye-twitching-pen-clicking-traffic-jam-beeping-no-toilet-paper-left-on-the-roll moments where your soul just wants to explode with a mushroom cloud of profanities.
Yup, here is a list of affirmations for those glorious life moments compiled for you by your Spiritual Personal Assistant aka PA for the soul, Emma Mildon.
1. People are dicks, love them anyway.
For when people test your patience. You know those annoying queue jumpers, the uh, oh I’m sorry, did my umbrella almost take your eye out streetwalkers; I didn’t even notice you there, or the dork at yoga that pushes your mat over and tells you to move because you are her spot – she always go there… or the worst of them all, the Iittering-negative-polluting-hating-on-light-sucking bully.
2. The universe has my back, even if it throws s*** at me sometimes.
For when you encounter a challenge or get a setback. For the days you hit every red light, you get a rejection email from the job you had your heart set on, you pour off milk into your chai latte or happen to trod through dog poo as you dash from yoga class into your car.
3. I’m a good vibes pimp.
For when you are confronted with negativity. Think of some positive comebacks; and have them lined up and ready to shoot out the door when there are shots fired!
One of my favorite things to do when someone looks me up and down is rocking a resting b*** face or is just clearly in a foul mood is to make it rain compliments.
4. Chill Ohmie.
For when you need a chill pill. The perfect mantra for those zomm out, zone out, shut down moments. You know when your boss talking starting to sound like the teacher in Charlie Brown. Rah-rah-wah-rah-wah-rah-rah. Your eyes are glazing over because your soul needs to visit chillsville, let it go.
5. Karma is my jam.
For when you need a simple thought to handle haters. Has your soul just been backhanded? The mantra that doubles as a comeback served best with a finger click, neck wiggle and sass lip "karma fool."
6. Smudge it off.
For when you a cleansing trash can. Think Florence and the Machine’s "Shake It Out," meets a white sage smudge stick.
Sing with me now, smudge it off, smudge it off, smudge it off, smudge it off, oh whoooah!
7. My intuition is on tap.
For when you need on demand guidance in your day. A great one for the office, the bar, or checking out the hot guy in the front row at yoga and needing some guidance from the wise guide inside on whether he is soul mate potential or not.
Never forget about your inner guru, and remember you have your higher self on call 24/7.
For when there are no words. This is a great sound to vent frustration. There isn’t really much more to know about this mantra except it’s like a release valve.
9. Of quartz you can!
For when you need a cleansing positive affirmation. (Clear quartz: a cleaning and purifying crystal, mixed with a yes-you-can mantra = affirmations on steroids.)
10. Enlighten the f*** up.
For when your mudra is that of the flipping-the-bird variety. The mantra for when your soul has reached dickhead capacity. Send out a hug dose of white light, hug them, smile and in the quiet, calm, and serene place of what is left of your sanity whisper in your inner self…